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the loneliest time in my life

I stood there in front of the mirror, disgusted at how much I had let my mind take over.

I hadn’t eaten in days, I was constantly throwing up and my body felt heavy and weak. My boyfriend waited in the other room anxiously trying to give me the space I demanded. Then, it hit me again like a wind so strong it knocked my heart all the way to the bottom of my stomach. “Why? Why is it worth it?” I asked myself, but I couldn’t seem to come up with any answers.

I wish depression was like it is in the movies. You know, where the character is so depressed and they go out and do wild things and not care about life and then someone comes into their life and saves them. Depression is when time moves for everyone else but it refuses to move for you. Depression feels like one of the loneliest things in the world because it is such a personalized experience. People get depressed for different reasons, but what we have in common is the struggle to beat the emptiness that comes with it.

In 2010, I was coping with the kidnapping and murder of a very, very close relative of mine. Shortly after in 2012, my grandmother whom I grew up with and was my best friend and partner in crime passed away. In that same year my dad has his leg amputated because of his diabetes and I felt like life would not stop throwing curve balls at me. I was emotionally exhausted and completely drained but (I thought) I  had made it through. I had never experienced depression before but when I moved into the dorms for my very first semester in college, in 2013, the stress and sadness consumed me. I was away from all of my family in a new town trying to find myself and it came out of nowhere.

My brain was consumed by horrible and devastating thoughts about death, the world, my life, and the fear of oblivion. They started off as small strings of weird thoughts that I would brush off, and they accumulated into a huge force that put my life on hold. I just wanted to sleep. I didn’t want to wake up. I wanted to cry and I didn’t want anyone to ask why.  I didn’t want to talk about it because it scared me even more to hear those thoughts out loud. I couldn’t understand how I wasn’t strong or smart enough to just ‘snap out of it.’ I became terrified of the fact that one day I would have to say goodbye to some of the people I love the most forever…I mean they would just stop existing. I didn’t want to talk to them either because it would trigger the thoughts that one day I wouldn’t have them and an anxiety attack would swallow me whole.

How could a girl like me, so headstrong and ambitious, be caught up by something like this? How could I not be stronger than myself?

After what seemed like an eternity, I went into counseling at my university because I knew I didn’t want to continue on this road and I was definitely not ‘snapping out of it’ on my own. The counselor suggested writing, so I wrote. I wrote my heart out and seeing those words that triggered my thoughts on paper, made it even more real and terrifying. I braced through it and wrote even when I didn’t want to. I talked to my boyfriend about it and even though he never fully grasped how or why, he listened. I talked to others in private about their depression and their struggles. I surrounded myself with good people and positive quotes and stories. I re-imagined my goals and switched my major to Social Work. I reinvented myself on the inside, and no one even knew anything was wrong.

Some things still trigger a bit of that dark time in me, it’s a scary flashback but it is one that puts my life in perspective. I am thankful for my depression because even though I have managed to overcome and regain control of my mind, it’s there reminding me of how much I’ve grown and how much I have overcome. My journey with God has never been the same since then and I can’t say I’ve grown closer to my faith because I needed to take a step back from it, but I am definitely starting to find my way back.

“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10

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Having faith in others

I have this belief about people, that everyone is basically good. People are good, they just make bad choices and sometimes get a little lost.
I believe in caring for people and I believe in people caring for me and that belief is such a big part of who I am. You might have lied to me, and yeah I was upset, but I believe you weren’t lying to hurt me, because you wouldn’t want me to do that to you right? You lied because you were trying to protect yourself from being exposed and you know what.. yeah things went a little awry, so please don’t do it again. You’ve seen what a lie is capable of doing, and no one likes to live in that world so here we are. I trust you, again, but maybe this time I’m more cautious of your behavior.
Well anyways,  that’s just the way I am.  

Things to do in Amarillo, Texas.

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You know when you grow up in a town/city and when you get older you’re just like, “I hate this place and I can’t stand it anymore?” That’s how I feel like people in Amarillo think.
Amarillo, Texas is a dumpy little city up in the Panhandle with not much going on. Granted, it has its pro’s of course, like any other town/city but Amarillo is one of those place that has a lot of developing to do.
I have been here for almost 16 months and I feel like Amarillo still can’t keep me entertained for long.  There are a lot of cool places here, but this list tries to stick to unique things in Amarillo.

Here are some things to check out in Amarillo if you are ever visting, or god forbid, moving here.   

Food:
1. Sharky’s Burrito Co.
Think of this as a Burrito version of Subway, it’s really good, and talk about a unique experience. 

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2. Cowboy Gelato
This place is on Route 66, and is so cute and friendly. Definately a must visit.

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3. The Taco Trucks
Just a bunch if trucks serving real, REAL good mexican food.

4. Roasters
Better than Starbucks. And cheaper!

Entertainment:
1. Hollywood Movie Theater
Small, but you know, catch a movie here!

2. The Mall
Chalk full of interesting stores,  but missing some important ones.

3. The Fair
So much fun! Funnel Cakes and Turkey Legs galore!

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4. The Horse Museum
Amarillo really likes horses. And I am not interested to know why. But the museum is cool.

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5. Route 66
Full of cute antique shops, Route 66 really is historic.

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6. Midnight Rodeo
If you want to go out and dance. There you are.

7. Cadillac Ranch
A bunch of Cadillacs sticking out of the earth,  and you can graffiti on them to satisfy your graffiti-ing needs.

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If you have time to come into Canyon, put these on your list.

Food:

-Chicken Express
Want REAL fried chicken? I found your place.

-Palace Coffee Co.
Cute, humble, a little pricey, but it’s got a great atmosphere. They have one in Amarillo now too. 

-Pure Water Ice and Tea Co.
Don’t miss out on the lemonade and the FroYo.

Entertainment:

-Palo Duro Canyon
Great for hikes, with or without family!  Let go, and let nature.

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-Panhandle Plains Historical Museum
It’s the biggest Historical museum in Texas! You can’t miss it!

Oh. And by the way, that horrid smell that drifts in with the wind at night? You can thank Hereford, the Beef capitol of the world. But, as Hereford would say it, “it’s the smell of money.”

You’re Welcome… y’all.
(None of the above pictures are mine.)

Talking about Self Esteem and Self Image

“I can’t learn how to help you with your insecurities if I can’t even help myself with my own.”

He nods.

“I tell you you’re beautiful and amazing, and cute because I believe it, not just because I’m your girlfriend. But now I understand that you will never believe me, because when you compliment me.. I never believe you. My insecurities are too great of a blindfold.”

He nods again and replies:

I love you, exactly for who you are. I love the way your eyes smile before your mouth does, the way you blink when you can’t contain excitement. I love all of your faults, you have many just like I do, but this love is so true and so real… that it is an even greater blindfold than that of your insecurities. I love every bit of who you are, when you are cranky and bitter, I love you when you are sweet and playful. I want you. I want every part of you, and I want it for every minute for the rest of my days. This life I’ve been blessed with, would not be blessed without you by my side. No one can ever love you the way I love you because I know you better than you know yourself. All of my peak experiences have been at your side and I am not done yet. I love you. I love that you have more hair on your arms than I have on my chest, back and arms combined. The love I have for you burns so strong that it oversees that stuff because it in not important. I seriously don’t care that your ears are different shapes because I love them. I love you, baby girl. I love you.

Buying a car?

It’s so difficult growing up… but you’ve probably heard that one before.

I am way past those days when all I had to worry about was what time the new episode of hannah montana started and what I was going to do about my mom constantly stepping in and ‘ruining my life.’

No that i’m almost twenty. ALMOST… mind you, I’m worrying about how to pay my phone bill, how to get through college and now… cars!

Honestly… I don’t have a license yet, in fact, I don’t even have a permit. But I can drive! Sure I need a little practice here and there switching lanes and whatot but the truth is driving isn’t really fun to me. I’m always too stressed (i.e what if I hit something, what if I hit a curb, how embarrassing if I park wrong) too scared (I hate high speeds, I’m not much of a thrill seeker..) or simply put too lazy. Driving either stresses me out or bores me half to death, there’s really no in between. Sure I want to get my license that way I have more liberty but that’s the only reason why. I don’t want to be running errands for my family all the time either.

So my boyfriend… he LOVES cars! He knows a lot about them too. He has a new dream car every two weeks and that because he can’t help but to fall in love with new features and specs that different cars offer. He’s about to be twenty also, and he is looking to buy a sporty car.

Here’s the deal… We’ve been together, about 3 years now give or take a couple of months, and we know we’re right together. He’s the light to my bulb and we love each other profoundly. I guess you didn’t need to know all that but there it is. We have so many plans together and honestly the only person I’d want on this journey with me is him! Okay.. so we don’t have an apartment yet, we are living in the dormitories at our school and we’re getting ready to buy a car together! We’ve been sharing Rufus (a blue mustang his parents gave him when he left for college) for a while not. Though its not really sharing because I don’t really drive… but I take Rufus to work sometimes!

The problem is we’re total noobs when it comes to grownup stuff! He’s a procrastinator and I’m an over-stresser! We hear so many pieces of advice that we don’t know which ones to listen to and we’ve got a LOT of questions! Do we put down a large down payment? Do we not? How does interest work with cars? Taxes? UGH!

I’ll keep you posted on what’s next!

*insert drastic crying emoji here*

If you happen to follow my blog… you would be familiar with the title:
My boyfriend, my fish and I.

Well I am sad to say that one of those things is not with us anymore.

I know it will take a lot of healing… after all it is a process to leg go of something you have become so dependent on… Someone you talk to and see every day is hard to let go.. but in the end I know it was for the best. I bet that we are both happy where we are now and to be honest I really feel good about it despite this being a terrible occasion.

I’ll miss watching TV with you, and playing silly tricks on you… but most of all I’ll miss those eyes of yours…

and with those words I regret to announce that my fish Bonnie has passed away…

She’s probably swimming it up in fish heaven right now… I love ya Bonnie always have and always will!

The picture below is of Bonnie watching the Lone Ranger (She loved watching TV..)

Website Surfin’

What 5 websites do you visit often and why?

Number One: CNN.com

I love to be updated, and unlike a lot of my generation, I like to know what is going on around me in my city, and I like to know what’s going on in my country. I am always watching the evening news and whatever else is going on. CNN may be biased at times, but it’s a great way to stay current and check out whats going on! I love the layout of the home page and honestly, I love learning new things!

Number Two: Gmail.com

I am always on my email, if you email me, you will get an answer and that is guaranteed! I love staying in touch with my family and friends and email is such a great and personal way to keep in touch and I love getting email! I never want to be late on anything that I need to be at or need to know about so I’m constantly checking this bad boy. I also have a Hotmail and Yahoo.com email but the Gmail format is so much better in my opinion. It looks cleaner, and is less cluttered and has some great personalization features. Plus, my Google+ account is linked to everything! What can I say? I’m a google type of girl!

Number Three: Youtube.com

What can I say? Can you blame me? Youtube is cable television for free! I love this website! I watch all sorts of videos in my spare time, from news to cat videos! The most watched genre would have to the beauty and how to sections, but I love staying current I love seeing what the rest of the people of the world are doing! Also, If you read my last post, you know I actually started a Youtube channel (www.youtube.com/kmoneykmoney100) not so long ago!

Number Four: Amazon.com

I can’t deny it. I’m addicted to shopping. And what better way to do that from home than AMAZON? I never really was a fan of eBay, I mean it was always kind of sketchy for me. Amazon is just a million times better! I am an Amazon Prime member so I get a lot of Prime qualified items in two day’s time! It’s awesome! I am always browsing for deals on Amazon!

Number five: wtamu.edu

I am always needing to get online to check what’s going on with my classes. This is my schools website so I’m always logging in. It’s just a handy tool to use and I’m glad to have this available to me!

A League of Their Own Review

A series of home runs, a pile of outs and some skimpy uniforms make “A League of Their Own” a not-to-miss movie. The amount of sexism and gender bias in this movie is incredible and proves to be a powerful eye opener.

The movie opened in 1992, it was directed by Penny Marshall and stars Tom Hanks, Geena Davis and even Madonna is buried in this treasure. The movie is about a women’s baseball league that starts up in order to entertain America while the men are off at war. World War II was a real shock to the female community. All of the sudden, when the men went to war women were forced to find means of fending for the family that was left at home. Women found new jobs in factories and all of the sudden gender roles were bending. Women were not spending forty hours a week cleaning and cooking.

This movie illustrates the struggle of being taken seriously as women ballplayers. The only way that they find the attention from the American people is by ‘womanizing’ themselves for the audience. They get support for their passion by wearing skimpy baseball uniforms and giving out kisses to contest winners. They find out sooner than later that if they are going to want the attention, they are going to still be ‘lady like’, i.e powdering their noses in between runs and hits. Even the advertisements at their games are womanized, the advertisers include bread companies and sewing machine companies.

To be completely honest, this movie is so powerful. All of the subtle advances to display the types of injustice that happened during this time is incredible. It really got me inspired to protect my rights as a woman and even educate the public on the unfairness of sexism. Sexism is something that still exists today. It is mostly present in the workplace, ever head of the gender gap? Or even the Glass Ceiling?

Take some time to watch this movie. It is currently on netflix and it is a great movie for gender research classes.

                 

My Vampire Diaries

the vampire diaries

Is anyone else like obsessed with this show? I just started watching it! And…. I’m not liking so much but I swore to watch the whole first season so here I am!

So far I’ve watched Season 1: Episodes 1-5

In Episode one we are introduced to Elena and her friends, her druggie brother, and of course Damon and Stefan and the whole vampire concept was just so similar to Twilight it was literally killing me. The ‘handsome’ vampire who loves the girl blah blah blah. AND THEN there’s the effects. Like really.. FOG. FOG JUST STARTS COMING FROM ALL SIDES SO RAPIDLY. There’s a lot of stuff I’m not liking.

I mean I’ve done theater production before and this fog is just a scene killer. One thing I’m kind of going along with is the story. I just saw one of the posters for the most recent season and Elena is wearing like an awesome dress and all I’m wondering now is like.. hmm I wonder how she finds out. And more importantly, Where and how does she get that dress? Does she get powers??

I can just say I did not expect the “hot awesome handsome” vampire boyfriend joins the football team. Like I thought vampires were too cool or whatever. Something else that surprised me is the fact that they like hooked up like into the third episode or whatever.

The brother being 15 and a stoner is a little weird, and I also think Elena’s backstory is just way too strong.. Like BOTH of her parents died? Her best friend is a psychic? COME ON.

Well I guess I’ll just keep watching and keep updating every five episodes. We’ll see if this show has the potential to reel someone like me in!

(BTW Supernatural is like my favorite show ever, so I’m pretty sure it won’t beat that!) 😉

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