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Poetry, Thoughts, and Stories

the loneliest time in my life

I stood there in front of the mirror, disgusted at how much I had let my mind take over.

I hadn’t eaten in days, I was constantly throwing up and my body felt heavy and weak. My boyfriend waited in the other room anxiously trying to give me the space I demanded. Then, it hit me again like a wind so strong it knocked my heart all the way to the bottom of my stomach. “Why? Why is it worth it?” I asked myself, but I couldn’t seem to come up with any answers.

I wish depression was like it is in the movies. You know, where the character is so depressed and they go out and do wild things and not care about life and then someone comes into their life and saves them. Depression is when time moves for everyone else but it refuses to move for you. Depression feels like one of the loneliest things in the world because it is such a personalized experience. People get depressed for different reasons, but what we have in common is the struggle to beat the emptiness that comes with it.

In 2010, I was coping with the kidnapping and murder of a very, very close relative of mine. Shortly after in 2012, my grandmother whom I grew up with and was my best friend and partner in crime passed away. In that same year my dad has his leg amputated because of his diabetes and I felt like life would not stop throwing curve balls at me. I was emotionally exhausted and completely drained but (I thought) I  had made it through. I had never experienced depression before but when I moved into the dorms for my very first semester in college, in 2013, the stress and sadness consumed me. I was away from all of my family in a new town trying to find myself and it came out of nowhere.

My brain was consumed by horrible and devastating thoughts about death, the world, my life, and the fear of oblivion. They started off as small strings of weird thoughts that I would brush off, and they accumulated into a huge force that put my life on hold. I just wanted to sleep. I didn’t want to wake up. I wanted to cry and I didn’t want anyone to ask why.  I didn’t want to talk about it because it scared me even more to hear those thoughts out loud. I couldn’t understand how I wasn’t strong or smart enough to just ‘snap out of it.’ I became terrified of the fact that one day I would have to say goodbye to some of the people I love the most forever…I mean they would just stop existing. I didn’t want to talk to them either because it would trigger the thoughts that one day I wouldn’t have them and an anxiety attack would swallow me whole.

How could a girl like me, so headstrong and ambitious, be caught up by something like this? How could I not be stronger than myself?

After what seemed like an eternity, I went into counseling at my university because I knew I didn’t want to continue on this road and I was definitely not ‘snapping out of it’ on my own. The counselor suggested writing, so I wrote. I wrote my heart out and seeing those words that triggered my thoughts on paper, made it even more real and terrifying. I braced through it and wrote even when I didn’t want to. I talked to my boyfriend about it and even though he never fully grasped how or why, he listened. I talked to others in private about their depression and their struggles. I surrounded myself with good people and positive quotes and stories. I re-imagined my goals and switched my major to Social Work. I reinvented myself on the inside, and no one even knew anything was wrong.

Some things still trigger a bit of that dark time in me, it’s a scary flashback but it is one that puts my life in perspective. I am thankful for my depression because even though I have managed to overcome and regain control of my mind, it’s there reminding me of how much I’ve grown and how much I have overcome. My journey with God has never been the same since then and I can’t say I’ve grown closer to my faith because I needed to take a step back from it, but I am definitely starting to find my way back.

“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10

Book Review: 19 Minutes by Jodi Picoult

14866This book has placed itself on my best reads list. It was definitely not something that I was expecting to love. At first glance the book looks like a tough read, and it is. Just not in the sense that you think. Starting off a roller coaster of emotion, the beginning gets right to the tragedy at Sterling High School. Some delusional monster of a kid has shot up the school claiming ten lives and wounding countless others. This book helps teach the importance of media censorship and judging a book by its cover.

People do things that shock us all the time. Steal, lie, cheat, kill. Are they really monsters? Or are they human? In this book, Peter Houghton, a long time loner and outcast takes revenge on the people who have bullied him and tormented him his whole life, and a few “innocent” others.

What I loved so much of this book is the way that at the beginning, you think: How could someone do this? This person deserves life in jail, they deserve to be put away. Picoult feeds us anecdotes from Peter’s childhood that destroy you inside. His mother, Lacy, thought she raised him as the perfect child. This book gives us the parents insight. The people that commit these tragedies are someone’s son, daughter, student, cousin, lover..

If you’re looking for a bit of a plot twist (plot twist rating 5/10) and a deeply emotional journal that will cause you to look at yourself and try to understand those around you, don’t waste time in reading this amazing book.

In my sleep, I have stopped dreaming

In my sleep I float out from under my covers and I find my way to you

In my sleep I cradle myself into your arms and bury my face in your chest

In my sleep, I hear your breathing like music to my ears and feel your heartbeat like the very blood pulsating inside of me

In my sleep I feel your hands on me
In my sleep I noticed that I have stopped dreaming

Maybe it’s because I’m not asleep

I notice I have stopped dreaming because I’m not asleep

I’m not asleep because I can hear your gentle snoring and feel your thick hair between my fingers

I’m not asleep because I can smell your skin right under my nose

I’m not asleep because you’re here,  right next to me, and you’re here to stay

tell me about

the snow crumbles upon us

the birds flock in migration like flecks of pepper in the sky

the pink hued background fades perfectly into the night

faces pale

tell me about winter when you were a kid

about the blizzards and the fireplaces and the trees coated in white

tell me about your birds and hues and faces

tell me about the miles to go before you sleep

Having faith in others

I have this belief about people, that everyone is basically good. People are good, they just make bad choices and sometimes get a little lost.
I believe in caring for people and I believe in people caring for me and that belief is such a big part of who I am. You might have lied to me, and yeah I was upset, but I believe you weren’t lying to hurt me, because you wouldn’t want me to do that to you right? You lied because you were trying to protect yourself from being exposed and you know what.. yeah things went a little awry, so please don’t do it again. You’ve seen what a lie is capable of doing, and no one likes to live in that world so here we are. I trust you, again, but maybe this time I’m more cautious of your behavior.
Well anyways,  that’s just the way I am.  

Things to do in Amarillo, Texas.

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You know when you grow up in a town/city and when you get older you’re just like, “I hate this place and I can’t stand it anymore?” That’s how I feel like people in Amarillo think.
Amarillo, Texas is a dumpy little city up in the Panhandle with not much going on. Granted, it has its pro’s of course, like any other town/city but Amarillo is one of those place that has a lot of developing to do.
I have been here for almost 16 months and I feel like Amarillo still can’t keep me entertained for long.  There are a lot of cool places here, but this list tries to stick to unique things in Amarillo.

Here are some things to check out in Amarillo if you are ever visting, or god forbid, moving here.   

Food:
1. Sharky’s Burrito Co.
Think of this as a Burrito version of Subway, it’s really good, and talk about a unique experience. 

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2. Cowboy Gelato
This place is on Route 66, and is so cute and friendly. Definately a must visit.

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3. The Taco Trucks
Just a bunch if trucks serving real, REAL good mexican food.

4. Roasters
Better than Starbucks. And cheaper!

Entertainment:
1. Hollywood Movie Theater
Small, but you know, catch a movie here!

2. The Mall
Chalk full of interesting stores,  but missing some important ones.

3. The Fair
So much fun! Funnel Cakes and Turkey Legs galore!

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4. The Horse Museum
Amarillo really likes horses. And I am not interested to know why. But the museum is cool.

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5. Route 66
Full of cute antique shops, Route 66 really is historic.

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6. Midnight Rodeo
If you want to go out and dance. There you are.

7. Cadillac Ranch
A bunch of Cadillacs sticking out of the earth,  and you can graffiti on them to satisfy your graffiti-ing needs.

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If you have time to come into Canyon, put these on your list.

Food:

-Chicken Express
Want REAL fried chicken? I found your place.

-Palace Coffee Co.
Cute, humble, a little pricey, but it’s got a great atmosphere. They have one in Amarillo now too. 

-Pure Water Ice and Tea Co.
Don’t miss out on the lemonade and the FroYo.

Entertainment:

-Palo Duro Canyon
Great for hikes, with or without family!  Let go, and let nature.

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-Panhandle Plains Historical Museum
It’s the biggest Historical museum in Texas! You can’t miss it!

Oh. And by the way, that horrid smell that drifts in with the wind at night? You can thank Hereford, the Beef capitol of the world. But, as Hereford would say it, “it’s the smell of money.”

You’re Welcome… y’all.
(None of the above pictures are mine.)

Talking about Self Esteem and Self Image

“I can’t learn how to help you with your insecurities if I can’t even help myself with my own.”

He nods.

“I tell you you’re beautiful and amazing, and cute because I believe it, not just because I’m your girlfriend. But now I understand that you will never believe me, because when you compliment me.. I never believe you. My insecurities are too great of a blindfold.”

He nods again and replies:

I love you, exactly for who you are. I love the way your eyes smile before your mouth does, the way you blink when you can’t contain excitement. I love all of your faults, you have many just like I do, but this love is so true and so real… that it is an even greater blindfold than that of your insecurities. I love every bit of who you are, when you are cranky and bitter, I love you when you are sweet and playful. I want you. I want every part of you, and I want it for every minute for the rest of my days. This life I’ve been blessed with, would not be blessed without you by my side. No one can ever love you the way I love you because I know you better than you know yourself. All of my peak experiences have been at your side and I am not done yet. I love you. I love that you have more hair on your arms than I have on my chest, back and arms combined. The love I have for you burns so strong that it oversees that stuff because it in not important. I seriously don’t care that your ears are different shapes because I love them. I love you, baby girl. I love you.

Buying a car?

It’s so difficult growing up… but you’ve probably heard that one before.

I am way past those days when all I had to worry about was what time the new episode of hannah montana started and what I was going to do about my mom constantly stepping in and ‘ruining my life.’

No that i’m almost twenty. ALMOST… mind you, I’m worrying about how to pay my phone bill, how to get through college and now… cars!

Honestly… I don’t have a license yet, in fact, I don’t even have a permit. But I can drive! Sure I need a little practice here and there switching lanes and whatot but the truth is driving isn’t really fun to me. I’m always too stressed (i.e what if I hit something, what if I hit a curb, how embarrassing if I park wrong) too scared (I hate high speeds, I’m not much of a thrill seeker..) or simply put too lazy. Driving either stresses me out or bores me half to death, there’s really no in between. Sure I want to get my license that way I have more liberty but that’s the only reason why. I don’t want to be running errands for my family all the time either.

So my boyfriend… he LOVES cars! He knows a lot about them too. He has a new dream car every two weeks and that because he can’t help but to fall in love with new features and specs that different cars offer. He’s about to be twenty also, and he is looking to buy a sporty car.

Here’s the deal… We’ve been together, about 3 years now give or take a couple of months, and we know we’re right together. He’s the light to my bulb and we love each other profoundly. I guess you didn’t need to know all that but there it is. We have so many plans together and honestly the only person I’d want on this journey with me is him! Okay.. so we don’t have an apartment yet, we are living in the dormitories at our school and we’re getting ready to buy a car together! We’ve been sharing Rufus (a blue mustang his parents gave him when he left for college) for a while not. Though its not really sharing because I don’t really drive… but I take Rufus to work sometimes!

The problem is we’re total noobs when it comes to grownup stuff! He’s a procrastinator and I’m an over-stresser! We hear so many pieces of advice that we don’t know which ones to listen to and we’ve got a LOT of questions! Do we put down a large down payment? Do we not? How does interest work with cars? Taxes? UGH!

I’ll keep you posted on what’s next!

*insert drastic crying emoji here*

If you happen to follow my blog… you would be familiar with the title:
My boyfriend, my fish and I.

Well I am sad to say that one of those things is not with us anymore.

I know it will take a lot of healing… after all it is a process to leg go of something you have become so dependent on… Someone you talk to and see every day is hard to let go.. but in the end I know it was for the best. I bet that we are both happy where we are now and to be honest I really feel good about it despite this being a terrible occasion.

I’ll miss watching TV with you, and playing silly tricks on you… but most of all I’ll miss those eyes of yours…

and with those words I regret to announce that my fish Bonnie has passed away…

She’s probably swimming it up in fish heaven right now… I love ya Bonnie always have and always will!

The picture below is of Bonnie watching the Lone Ranger (She loved watching TV..)

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